Staying at Home is Important



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summer fun lemonade

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From: Rachel

Jill, I wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you posting the story, When Queens Ride By. I have been in school part time, and that has been very stressful. That very morning I received a letter that my unemployment benefits have run out. My first thought was to worry, but something told me to get on-line and read my favorite blogs and I came across this story. It really helped to put my mind at ease. I could go back to work, but my husband works some overtime and the evening, we never know when, and I think it is important that when he does make it home he has a hot meal, and clean clothes for the next day.

Our teenage sometimes relies on me to get him to his evening part time job and karate classes. He also needs a hot meal, clean clothes for school. Unless it gets to the point that I have to go back, I am staying home to take care of them. I’ve learned so much reading your website, and I try more than anything to follow what God wants me to do. Keep up all the good work!


Jill writes:
Rachael, thank you for taking the time to e mail me with those kind words. Isn’t it amazing God’s timing on things at times? I am glad you liked the “Queens” story. I read it for the first time years ago and it really changed my life and the way I look at things concerning my home. It helped me to put so much into perspective with my home, family and work.

When I feel my wheels turning in top gear I will pull out that story and it has a way of helping me slow down and get things in order. You sound like you have your hands full with school, a teenager and a husband so I think you know what I mean.

Here’s one thing that happened to me years ago that revealed the truth in this story. My kids had to ride the school bus and they would arrive home hot and tired. The minute they stepped off of the bus they were fighting and fussing. I was at my wits end with them.

Then one day I was watching the dust from the school bus and I knew I had about 5 minutes before they would arrive home fighting and fussing again. To help brace myself before the onslaught, I stopped to get a cold glass of lemonade. Then it dawned on me (or more likely God answered my prayer)– my kids were hungry and tired, too, and maybe they would like some lemonade.

I hurried around and set out a tall glass of icy lemonade with a small plate of cookies. I set a plate and napkin for each of them and had it ready when they walked in the door.

The looks on their faces were amazing. They ran to the table and I sat down with them as they ate. They told me all about their day and then trotted off to play.

Just that little break with the lemonade and cookies had helped them rest and being able to talk with me helped them get rid of the stresses of the day. After that, there was no more fighting when the kids arrived home each day. Most of the time when kids are fussy and fighting they are usually tired and hungry.

A few weeks later, I realized that I was not going to be home when they arrived from school. My son said, “That’s OK, Mom, but don’t forget to have our snack on the table.” –so much for missing mom. HA! HA!

Up to that point I had not fully realized just how important those things were and what a difference they made in my family’s life and their emotions.

Sorry to be so long winded but, as you can see, the subject is something close to my heart. You sound like you really are on target with good common sense and balance in your life.

-Jill

If you wonder how to determine whether or not you can afford to stay at home or you’d like tips to help make staying at home easier, check out our Should I Be A Stay At Home Mom e-book today!

 

Photo By: Kathryn Connell

Comments

  1. Diane K says

    This is just what I needed this morning. Things have a habit of spiraling out of control and the story and other message helped to put everything back into perspective. Thank you so much!

  2. Tami Tietsort says

    Thank you for When a queen passes by. You have no idea how many times over the last couple of years I have thought of that story and for me that is the true essence of a gift. I enjoyed reading it all over again and have passed it on to all of my loved ones and friends. Jill I like your style and you have a presence of mind that is unparalled. I am truly grateful for your wise words.
    Tami

  3. Judy Nelson says

    I was what my girls called a Koolaid Mom. I owned a home daycare and was home when they came home from school. What a Blessing to be able to have snacks with them and my other charges. Each of my girls are now moms and at home. They say that being home has enabled them to help their kids and others in this difficult world. Blessings and Hugs! Judy

  4. Kris says

    I understand what you are saying about providing your kids with a little “down” time when they come home from school. A snack may be helpful if there is a long break before dinner. My children exit the bus at 4:10 and we eat at 5:00, so I really don’t want them eating sweets after school. If they are hungry, I put out raw veggies for them. We DO have cookies from time to time–I am currently baking some right now, in fact–but we save this for an evening snack to ensure they have eaten a good, healthy meal first. I am not writing this to be critical, but I think we parents need to think through what we are feeding our children, and when. I was talking with a mom early last summer whose daughters are overweight (she is trying to encourage them to lose weight)–and no wonder. They eat chips and drink soda constantly and the ONLY fruit they like is oranges. I agree, we all (not just children) handle our emotions better when we are rested and well-fed–I would just encourage other parents out there to teach healthy eating habits overall and moderation for treats. You are setting up adult eating habits NOW.

  5. Jenny says

    Hello Jill and Tawra – as a regular reader and sometimes contributor this wonderful, amazing website I am asking for your thoughts on an issue I have. Two years ago my husband and I lost our business, the banks calling in our business loans – don’t need to tell you how stressful and distressing this time was. Through lots of hard work and adopting a new way of life we are coming through the worst of times and things are not as desperate as they once looked. Before our “crash” we had a good life style, nice cars, meals out, and frequent holidays – most in the USA which we enjoyed the most! I was always conscious of being fortunate to have a nice life – gained through many many years of tremendously hard work. I never took it for granted and was especially aware not to “show off” or brag about my situation – especially with my two friends who were not, at that time, particularly well off. However, times have changed and my friends are now retired and are able to enjoy lots of holidays, fine new clothes, having their houses re-modelled, the list seems endless. They talk about all the things they are planning and how many holidays they take a year (seven so far!) the spa treatments they have, the expensive trips to the hair salon etc. I sit there with a brave smile on my face, paying attention and trying not to feel as poor as a church mouse (which I am not!) One friend even said “I know this is rubbing salt into your wounds but we are having a fabulous family reunion (she knows we are going through some awful family stresses right now). I always put on a happy cheerful face and hardly EVER let anyone know how sad and deflated I have felt at times as I would hate anyone to “feel sorry” for me but this behaviour of my friends is hard for me to deal with at times. I can’t believe I am the only one to be in this situation and wonder how I can best deal with the feelings of being made to feel sad and disadvantaged when I have worked so hard to pull myself together during the past two years.

    • says

      Jenny it is so hard to give a perfect answer to a question like this without knowing more about you or your situation but I will try to answer on my own experience and give you a few options to maybe pick from. First of all what you are feeling isn’t really unusual and I think most people have felt something similar at some point. The important thing is honestly looking at your feelings and then deal with them. What is wrong is to dwell on those feels, bury them or refuse to really look at what is really going on. That goes for anything we feel.

      I have now lived long enough to realize that life changes on a regular basis. I am one of those people who is a loyal friend to a fault. There is very little my friends can do to make me not want to be friends with them but I have found in some situations they change and circumstances change and I have to accept the fact that maybe our lives are such that we need to separate. Friendships aren’t very strong or true if you can not confide in your friends or when you and they have to be so careful about what you say all the time for fear of hurting each other. True friends encourage and enrich our lives and when that changes then maybe the relationship needs to change or end.

      Now that is one thing to think about. Another to think about is – well it might be easiest to explain by telling a story. I once knew a group of women who had all been friends for a long time. One woman’s husband was verbally abusive to her, another’s husband had left her, one had lost a child, one had lost her income etc. One of the younger gals of the group was asking those with older kids questions about potty training because she was having trouble so they all started discussing what she should do and laughing over funny stories they had experienced while potty training.

      All at once one of the gals jumped up, slapped her hand on the table and screamed at them “How dare you talk about potty training in front of me! You know I have been trying and trying to have a baby and for you to talk about your kids is rubbing my nose in it!” She then stomped out. The thing was no one there was trying to purposely hurt her. They had just been talking about their every day lives and sharing with their friends. The woman who had gotten mad had talked about her husband bringing her flowers and what a good husband he was. She also was talking about what she had bought shopping the week before which was quite a bit of expensive stuff. In spite of that the woman with the abusive husband didn’t call her on it or get offended and neither did the woman whose husband had left her or the one who had no money.

      They had a different attitude. We all have something we have to deal with. A few days ago I was with several women and they were talking about going to a quilting retreat, how much fun it was going to be, what they would do etc. and asked why didn’t I come too. I had to say no. I don’t even have enough money to buy material for something like that let alone pay for the retreat, hotel and other things. Plus I have a double wammy. I am to sick to do something like. Did it make me feel bad? Maybe for a moment I thought how fun it would be to do that but it didn’t last long because this is my life and sure I can’t do things but there are so many things I can physically do and afford to do and am so grateful I can do as much as I can.

      The secret I think is learning to be content with what you do have and where you are this moment in your life. When you are content you don’t even notice it when people talk about going on vacations or to a spa and if you do give it a second thought it is only because you are happy for them. How do you get to that place. It does take a bit of working at but one thing is to get to the point of realizing going on vacations, to spa and having the money to do that is not that important. Your joy, happiness, self worth etc. should not ride on those things.Ask yourself, ” Have you really dealt with losing my money or am I still defensive, embarrassed, angry, envious, think it is unfair….” I can’t answer that for you but you might dig down deep and make sure none of those things are what you are dealing with. If you can honestly say those things aren’t a problem then maybe you just have some not so nice friends which means you may have to break off with them because if you are biting your tongue, hurt and angry every time you are with them what is the purpose of being with them because I don’t call that friendship. You may have to move in a different circle. Things do change and often for the better.

      I know there are many other things that could be the problem and things to cover but I’m afraid I don’t have the room to write more at the moment but hopes this helps at least to get the ball rolling in the right direction.

  6. Bea says

    The way I look at it is if your “friends” are always bragging and showing off what they have in conversations with you, then they are somewhat insensitive, but if it’s just an occasional mention of something going on in their lives, then they are only sharing and aren’t being insensitive. Sometimes people’s values are different, and you don’t have much in common, so you have to decide if you really are benefiting from their friendship.

  7. says

    I stayed home with my children most of their school years. Would not have it any other way. Just being there for them felt so special. Now they are grown but we all remember the joy of being together. So nice to see that people still value the family time.

  8. says

    I was a stay at home mom. I wanted to be but I also wanted to have a career outside the home.
    Being ASAHM is a lonely career unless you make friends of others in your situation.
    I didn’t because where we live everyone had a job.
    I would volunteer and also supply teach at the schools so that was good.
    My boys when they were teens used my stay at home position to get out of things they didn’t want to do. Like skipping school, they always had the excuse that “mom, went out during the day and she would see them.”
    It worked for them and also kept some of their friends on the straight and narrow as they knew I would have a chat with them if I saw them.
    I still have some of the boys who were friends of my sons come and visit us when they are home at holidays.
    I tell them it is nice of them to visit their parents but most of them say the parents don’t really care but they come to see me to get the feeling of family.
    I guess what I am saying is be a stay at home mom for your family but also include a few others in your love. You may change their lives for the better.

  9. says

    As my sons both head off to college, I’m glad I was able to make the sacrific to be around when they came home from school. I worked, but was able to do that around their schedule. It meant a lower income compared to the pre-baby days for us but I think it was worth it.

    Do what you can ladies and don’t feel guilty either way. We have it hard enough…

    “The phrase “working mother” is redundant.” ~Jane Sellman

    Good luck!

  10. says

    I am a SAHM and a homeschooler. That is one of the reasons that we decided to homeschool is the fact I would be home. At this time, my Rooster is off work and hurt. So I am working part time at a Home Depot to keep things together.

    I can also feel for the woman who is feeling like getting slapped in the face by her friends. I am keeping our home together while my Rooster is getting better. I can’t go to eat with the ladies or go to a movie or whatever. Some days I can’t even buy a 75 cent can of pop at work. It is a really tough place to be. People can be really insensitive about bragging. You feel bad always being the one that can’t go or can’t do. People sooner or later leave you out.

  11. lisa says

    I worked in the medical field before deciding to stay home with the kids. Daycare was too expensive and having a parent home to raise the kids was best, in our opinion. When I decided to go back to work, my field would not employ me since I was out so long. My sister kept telling me how I had a degree but didn’t use it and it made me feel bad. I decided to try to get back into my field now that the kids were older and decided to work for free for experience and take the boards again to regain licensure. It took me 2 years to do it, but I did. I finally found a job in my field again and juggle the kid’s schedule now but it keeps me busy and the kids are still well adjusted.

    • Kadian says

      I so identify with your position. After waiting until my daughter was school age, i decided to use my gi bill and go back to school, after one year became pregnant with our 2nd child. It was a surprise to say the least as we were told we couldn’t have anymore and lo and behold when she was barely a year i became pregnant with out third. I literally had to nip that it the bud but i eventually finished my radiography program but now find myself in the position that makes me feel like all that effort was for nothing. I hope in a couple years when mine get to be school age, i will find the nerve to sit for my boards and make an attempt at my career again. You give me hope, i can always say well she did it.

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