What do I do About the Adult Child Living In My Home?
A reader recently wrote asking:
What should you do when you have a 20 something person laying on your couch all day long, eating your food and not lifting a finger to do anything. The person is not working or looking for a job. (In this case, it was the daughter of a friend.)
It is very hard to answer a question like this because I don’t know all the details of the situation. Here’s what I would say based on the information I have. Maybe if it doesn’t work for you, it will help another reader.
When we are in a situation like this, many of us try to find solutions that will make everyone comfortable and happy. Most of the time, though, this isn’t possible, especially if one or more of the persons involved is not lifting a finger to try to help find a solution or make the situation better.
I don’t know why we think we need to make people like this happy and comfortable or find a solution that makes them happy. We all tend to fall into this trap at some time with someone in our lives.
In some situations, you only have two choices.
- You can either accept the situation as it stands, which means letting the person keep doing what they are doing and not allowing yourself to have even the least bit of resentment, anger or bitterness towards that person.
- You can break it off with the person and not have anything to do with them.
In your case, you can either keep allowing her to do what she is doing and not resent it or tell her, "You have two weeks (or some other reasonable amount of time to you) to find work, and this amount of time to find a place to live or pay me so much for room and board. If you don’t – by this date – your bags will be packed and sitting on the porch."
I know this sounds so awful to do but would doing this make you any more miserable than you are now? At least this way you would eventually have your home back and be out of your misery. As it stands now, you are stuck in the situation and the 28 year old is feeding on your food and on you emotionally.
This is plain and simple manipulation. Our kids do it, spouses do it, friends do it and it isn’t good for us or for them. Ignoring it or letting it continue is like giving a drug addict his daily supply of drugs. None of us would dream of doing something like that but we do it all the time in other ways.
As long as you let it continue, you are enabling the person to keep living the same way. Without realizing it, you are helping that person do the very thing that is hurting her, even when you think you’re helping. It is difficult and painful to stand up to someone who is manipulating you, but taking the easy way out and failing to stop it creates misery for you (and the other person, too) for the long term.
The choice is yours. You either choose to willingly live with the person as-is or ask her to leave.
Here are some signs that reveal if you are being manipulated or if the person truly needs help:
- If the need is legitimate, you shouldn’t feel the resentment of being "put upon".
- The person is usually trying her best to find work. If she is sincere, she will be off the couch looking for work.
- She will bend over backwards to help around your home – cleaning, cooking, doing yard work or helping with the younger children without being asked. They offer.
- She will make a great sacrifice on her part to help you. For example, she isn’t going out spending even a couple of dollars on things like a large drink, going to the movies or hanging out with friends. She should be using any extra money she gets to pay you to help with expenses like the cost of her food, even if she is trying save for something like rent. She can at least give a small token amount to you to show that she’s making some kind of effort.
- She will be ever so grateful and won’t be able to say enough or do enough to show you how grateful she is.
We should always have empathy for people but be careful with sympathy. It’s okay but there is a point when it can do more harm than good.
-Jill
Photo By: opensourceway
Our priest says that when he is counseling families about problems with their teenagers or young adults that the parents often excuse behavior by saying that they just want to make their kids happy. He replies it’s not your job to make them happy, it’s your job to get them to heaven. If your not religious you can replace heaven with “productive adult.” The point is, that we often enable and disregard bad behavior and we think this shows our love when the most loving thing we can do for them is to be tough.
The same type of idea applies to to parents who just want to be their kids friends. God didn’t make me their friend. I am their parent. Big difference. They have many friends but only one parent. As a parent you hold a special place no one else can hold in your child’s life and for the life of me can’t figure out why a parent would want to change that place for one which many others can hold and isn’t near as special. Friends come and go but you are mom and dad forever. Why would you not want that position?
Besides God put each relationship in a person’s life for a different and much needed reason. Grandparent, parent, friend, spouse. Each playing an important role. Sometimes we are so busy trying to fill another role we weren’t called for we mess up the balance in our child’s life and deprive them of something they need and can only get for a parent.
At my job I’ve talked to numerous parents that have adult children that do have jobs, live with their parents, but don’t pay a cent toward helping out, and the parents are struggling to make ends meet. You don’t know how many parents allow this. The adult “child” has a fancy car, cell phone, a good job, and nice clothes but refuses to give any money toward their upkeep, and the parents don’t ask them to either, but bills are going unpaid. This situation is very common. Selfishness is common.
I recently heard a quote that applies to this, “We should prepare our children for the path ahead, not the path for the child.”
I know of several friends in this situation. In one case, a couple has there three “boys” living with them. Th older two boys are twins and 29 yrs. old. The “baby” is 25 yrs old. Mom cooks, washes clothes, and cleans after them. Only one has a job, and the other two just hang out at home. I’ve heard the parents complain, but I’ve come to realize mom and dad both really like feeling “needed.” I believe they have crippled these young men, emotionally. I a recent coversation with the dad, I told him i would tell my own daughter to RUN FAST away from any man who is content to live with his parents at that age. What kind of skills can these men have as husbands or fathers in the future?? My daughter is out on her own, is productive and self sufficient at 27 yrs. old. and, I think she should be!
I am in a similar situation, both due to unavoidable and avoidable actions on the part of a 20y/o and a 46 y/o. I am genetically unable to refuse to help a loved one in trouble but there is a difference in helping and enabling. A workable agreement before allowing them to move in is the biggest help. In my case I do not charge room/board. I do however require that they work out the amount of reasonable room and board around the house, yard, garden, etc. I also require that they spend time every weekday either actively looking for work, working on some cleaning or project around my house, or doing any odd job they can pick up. There are always neighbors that need the grass mowed or bushes cut or help fixing a fence on occasion. If nothing else they can ride bicycles up and down these country roads and pick up aluminum cans. The agreement is 75% of all money earned goes into a bank account that I set up jointly with them and myself when they moved in. This money is to
provide funds for them to rent their own place, etc once they find employment and the agreement is if they fail to hold up their end of the bargain I can take the money to pay for their living expenses that I have paid. I do not pay for cell phones, designer jeans, latte, beer, or gas for your car to go see your girlfriend. If you want those extras it comes out of your 25% of your pay that you keep each week. I provide a roof, a clean bed, adequate food, decent necessary clothing, heat, cooling, and transportation for job hunting. My goal is to provide support and help but not make things so comfy that they are tempted to make it a permanent arrangement.
Excellent, excellent way of doing things Sandra.
Sandra, I really like what you’ve said , and am going to try use some of your ideas. My son is 24, and his dad and I are divorced. For the 8 years we’ve been divorced, my ex most of the time talks very disrespectivly about me to our kids especially our son..My son has my demeanor but has learned his dads bad habits and disrespecttful ways. He is a gifted musician and plays in two. Bands but beyond that will not get a job.. He manages to say the right things and manipulates me to continue to enable this. I just want him to be a hard worker have confidence and have the utmost respect, especially for women.. We have had other issues of panic attacts.. For a short period, but that only made me want to be here forbid more. I want to hire a drill sergeant to move in here and whip his butt into shape.. I don’t want to put him on the streets but I definitely want tough love, more than I have been able to do. I have my own business and have to help a lot with my parents who are in their late seventies. I’m worn down but not giving up.
Although I am sickened by the selfishness of people I see living with my mom, I can’t do much of anything about other people’s children using their parents. I don’t despire co housing thourgh. In fact, it seems logical. Financial expect Suze Orman recommends that each pay their percentage of income toward household expenses. If you bring in 20% of the income, you pay 20% of the mortgage, phone, food, etc. Although the homeowner should just have to state their desire and have it filled, others should divide the work. No users at my house. I too can’t imagine anyone wanting to date or hire folks like we are discussing here.
I am dealing with exactly this situation. I have an informally adopted son who has severe issues with responsibility (no I didn’t raise him, I got him later in life). He is currently living on my daybed in the living room. I am not molly coddling him. I give him a roof and food. I don’t supply endless amounts of money, and I make him work for what he does get. Plus I am fully supporting his Dad’s efforts to get him to do something useful in life. I won’t put him out on the street, but we’re sure practicing some tough love with him. I love him, but I see no reason for a healthy adult man to be living with his Mother and acting like a child the rest of his life. It doesn’t help him, and it sure doesn’t help us!
A co-worker of mine was just talking about this exact situation in her life today. Neither of her 2 adult sons paid their share of the phone or cable bills for the past 2 months and they did not tell her. She is a single parent. She tried applying for a new credit card and was denied because of the damage her sons did to her credit rating, since both bills are in her name only. The answer everyone at work agreed upon was that she should put envelopes on the refrigerator and tell her sons they need to put money into those envelopes every month in order for her to pay the bills. If they don’t put in the agreed upon amount of money then they should move out. The only problem I foresee is her enforcement of the rule. As I have always said, “A rule means nothing without enforcement”.
I agree – pay up or get out. I had my daughter set up an automatic funds transfer to me on her pay days. The bank pays me like a bill so I get my money on time, every time. Now she’s slowly learning that being a responsible adult is harder than she thought and that money doesn’t grow on trees.
I was in the exact same place as so many of you parents out there. My 20 something son lived moved back in with us after being out on his own for only a year. In the time he was here, he fell back into all his bad habits; slept all day, played video games all night, ate our food, did nothing around the house to help, etc. After two years of this, we finally got fed up and told him to leave (with sufficient notice to find a place). He’s been out on his own now for over 3 years and has done wonderfully. And get this, he THANKED us for lighting a fire under his butt! When you take care of your children past the point nature intended, you bleed their self esteem and rob them of the pride that comes with being self-sufficient. I know what you’re all going through but toughen up for your kids sake and take the hard line, you won’t be sorry.
Thanks for declaring truth without compromise! I really appreciate the understanding that is is not for NOW we are preparing, but for the future. I guess my comments are directed more to those who want to prepare their children as they grow. My parents were not wealthy, but hard workers, and raised 4 kids who became responsible adults. They started us early understanding the value of the costs of life. We were taught to give to our church, create a savings account, and know where our money went. Life was not always easy, but I was truly shocked to learn as a pre-teen we were considered “poor” by all the income charts, listings and the government! Our allowance was only paid when we did our part around the house, and as we became young teens, anything beyond basic neccesities of life we wanted,(the outfit I “had to have”,etc.) we found a way to pay for it personally. Because I had older siblings my parents had already prepared, I knew at 13 years old at what age I would be allowed to date, how much my parents would provide for my graduation costs (picts, invites, cap & gown, etc), how much they would provide for college, and how much they would give me as a wedding gift(not pay for the wedding). I applied these amounts toward paying for the events, and used my own earned money to make these events as frugal or as extravegant as I chose. Any money we made from a job beginning at age 13, we paid a percentage for house expense. Once I began driving, I drove my parents cars until the day I married and moved out of state at 22, because I paid them mileage for every mile I drove(work and pleasure). This helped them pay for the car they wanted, a better car than I could afford on my own, and Dad kept them maintained. I got a full time job out of High school, saved, and after 1 year of college (got a great job utilizing my talents that did not require a degree)I was invited by my parents, and chose to live at home. There was an end to it though. I could live with them until I married or age 25, whichever came 1st. I paid room and board from my adult job, milage to use their cars, but still understood I had chores around the house. Paying did not exempt that, because I understood if I had a place of my own, those things would have to be done by someone(me!). I saved and was able to go the places I wanted, travel, and do some great things with my time and money because they taught me the value of money as related to LIFE. I pray for those who are dealing with adult children who do not have this understanding. My older brother recently died of colon cancer in his 50′s. It took a lot of convincing to get him to move back in to my parents home and let them care for him the last few months of his life (he was single and they offered/insisted). Up to his last few days, he was still saying, “don’t forget to take my room and board from my money, Mother.” He understood, as we all do, they cared for us as we grew and they taught us to be responsible. My remaining siblings and I have now set things in place for our parents future. We have happily made arrangements and solid plans between us to see they have a place to be and are cared for whatever the future brings for them. See why you should train your children in the way they should go and not just make them “happy?” What will the future be for those who didn’t take a stand for personal responsibility? At what point do they allow the circle of life to be completed and they be the ones who are cared for in love and not from guilt?